An unexpected shiver in the tips of my toes..College has been my single goal since I was 12 years old and unable to find anyone I could connect with. When I was 14 years old and couldn't find anyone I could connect with. When I was 16 years old and couldn't find anyone I could connect with. At the beginning of senior year when I couldn't find anyone I could connect with. This place has been so wrong for me, the people so dull (to me). I remember realizing on my morning break at work early last year, perhaps April, the extent to which my mind had numbed over in order to stave an overwhelming sense loneliness, and breaking down in the middle of eating a peanut butter and jelly sandwich. Which, though it makes me sad, is really rather funny. After that I started to recover myself, I'm in a much better, albeit lonelier, state today.
Up until a few months ago going to university meant so many things. Mind expansion, travel, like-minded individuals, freedom, experimentation, knowledge, personal significance. Yet these days college feels more like a trap than freedom. I fear becoming stuck, falling into another pattern, more ennui. There's a part of me that has been really considering, instead of using all this effort and money for college, taking it and going off into the world. Learning through experience, taking in the first-hand and unbeatable knowledge that the raw, naked world has to offer. It feels like the window for doing this is closing further with each generation.. If I don't do it now, will I ever be able to?
It comes down to whether I see studying as a waste of precious life. If I die when I'm twenty-six, in my last moments will I regret having dedicated my life so far only to academia, having never really extracted myself from the system and lived the way I've always dreamed of living? The answer to that question I cannot possible answer, but it has certainly left an unexpected shiver in the tips of my toes.
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